Insanity
by Catairly
Summary: Because sanity and insanity never walk hand in hand, and I am the living proof of that.


**(In)sanity**

I press my hands around my coffee mug, trying to absorb some of its heat. I let my eyes wonder through the surrounding landscape, recognizing myself in every dry leaf that drops from a tree with naked and thin branches, in every breath of cold and lifeless wind, in every still drop of dew. The emptiness is unbearable, is tearing me into pieces. The emptiness is too real, too... Too _intimate._

I close my eyes, unable to face reality, unable to face myself and, above all, unable to face the person I had become.

A cold, fragile and purposeless creature. A bitter and desperate soul.

When had I lost my smile?

When had I stopped believing on the possibility of victory?

When had I stopped feeling?

When had I stopped fighting?

I can't say for sure. Maybe everything had started when I saw, for the first time, the mutilated body of a family that lived next door. Or maybe when I heard the screams of the women being dragged from their homes. Or maybe when I had to use magic on my parents, to ensure their safety. Or maybe yet when I realized the world was fading away right in front of my eyes and that I couldn't even raise my head and fight. Because, all of a sudden, the amount of people I could trust decreased dramatically. Because no one would hesitate to turn me, or anyone else like me, over to the ministry, in exchange for some knuts. Because misery and desolation, havoc and destruction, were too present in everyone's daily life to someone even consider, or worry, if what was being done was right or wrong.

Nothing is as before.

I feel the tears form behind my closed eyes and, before I can even hold them back, they start to trace its path in my gelid and pale face. However, these tears are hollow, devoid of any emotion. Just like me, these are tears of anger since, lately, anger is the only feeling that fills me. Anger and revenge. The two feelings, the two emotions, that a few years back wouldn't mean anything to me. The two emotions that are now the only thing that makes me wake up every morning. They are now what drive me, what commands me.

With trembling hands I lodge my coffee mug by my side and push the thick blankets around my shoulders, trying to obtain some comfort, trying to feel safe while the tears still fall, unforgiving and strict, as to remind me that, unlike the books I read as a little girl told me, good not always wins. As to remind me that the darkness that surrounds me will soon engulf me in its smothering embrace and that, when that moment arrives, everything that still keeps me sane will evaporate.

Sane...

Can that word still apply to me?

No, of course not. Ever since all of this began, my mind keeps slipping from my control... But the fact that I am aware of that makes me fight to keep my sanity even though all of my being, all of my flesh, craves for those brief moments of insanity. Those brief moments when I'm taken to _him_. Those brief moments of escape.

And then, just as quickly as if I had been struck by a stupefying spell, I feel myself losing everything: consciousness, strength, autonomy, identity...

I feel him before I see him.

His slender fingers tracing a path down my neck, softly. The response of my body to his touch is so fast, so natural, I can only think of how right we seem. So wrongly right.

"I missed you..." his lips brush my neck seductively while his words slowly acquire meaning inside my mind.

Before I can form a coherent sentence I feel myself losing control over my actions as soon as his hands start that slow exploration of my body. A body that is so familiar to him as his is to me.

I moan ever so slightly as soon as his lips settle at the sensitive spot at the base of my neck. Desperate, needing, I abruptly turn my body as to be standing in front of him and I look into those grey eyes with such grief, such longing, such desire, such passion, that I don't find it surprising at all when I my lips find his. We kiss like there isn't a tomorrow. Because, to be perfectly honest, for us there isn't, nor ever will be, a tomorrow.

There's only the moment, now.

My hands tousle his blonde hair, always so neatly combed, with such ease that one would think we are only truly complete, truly whole, when we are together. Which isn't far from the truth. He's my other half, my savage folly, my sweet insanity.

"Hermione!"

I slowly break our kiss and look around, horror splattered on my face.

"What's going on?" he asks me, slightly out of breath, searching my face with apprehension.

I realize, terrorized, that he hadn't heard anything. But how could that be possible?

"Hermione!"

This time the sound is nearer, the voice is clearer, but I can't decipher who calls my name.

I reluctantly step away from him, paying attention.

"Hermione, wake up!"

Wake up? But... what did they mean 'wake up'? I am awake! Aren't I...?

I look around, confusion framing my expression, doubt gracing my eyes.

"Hermione! Hermione, for the love of Merlin, stop! Wake up!"

The desperation in that voice puts me suddenly alert. I try to understand the reason why all of this seemed so familiar, the reason why my senses and feelings, that had been so awake with _him_, are now rebelling against me, trying to take me some place else. Some place away from his intoxicating presence.

"Hermione, that's enough... That's enough! Please... Please!"

And the suffering that voice carries is like a breath of fresh air. My eyes are instantly filled with tears as soon as I felt a cool breeze, that hadn't been there before, swiftly blow. I look at _him_, trying to take in all of the details, like I always do. Trying not to think of the acutely pain that is devouring my heart.

I take him in such a desperate embrace that I don't understand how my heart doesn't tear apart completely.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" I plead, burying my face in the curve of his neck.

But, as always, he doesn't reply.

The tears that soak his shirt are now ones of pain, of despair. The tears that taint my face when I am with him are the only ones filled with feeling, filled with life.

I feel the push of reality.

I feel his figure start to fade away.

And, as always, I feel myself die a little more inside.

"I love you!" I whisper but, as always, he doesn't reply.

And with that, I slowly return. Return to those woods, return to that Winter.

When I open my eyes the first thing I see is red. I release a pained sound as soon as I feel my hands, as soon as I feel the ache on the tip of my fingers.

"Oh, Hermione! Thank Merlin!" sighs a relieved masculine voice.

Strong arms lift me and I instantly realize what has just happened.

"I'm so-sorry Harry... I could-couldn't hel-help it this ti-time..."

I feel, more than anything, his concern as he takes in my words.

As soon as my vision starts to adjust, everything goes back to normal and I see I have my hands covered in dirt and blood, my own blood. I see Harry go fetch some healing potions, after having left me in one of our tents' chairs.

Ron is still sleeping.

When I see him return, his green eyes are facing me with such anxiety that every tranquilizing sentence I could have prepared dies in my throat. When I feel his arms around me, it's like my heart has received an order to feel again. The tears are burning my face, I am having trouble breathing.

"Tell me, Harry. Tell me. I need to hear it. I need to check, I need to acknowledge that's the truth and everything I just lived was nothing but an illusion." The words, intelligible words, fall from my lips filled with suffering. A suffering that is always amplified by these escapes, an ever-present suffering, a suffering that is part of this feeble and broken being.

"He's dead, Hermione. Draco Malfoy is dead."

And the strangled scream that spreads through the air is enough proof that I had just lost my mind. Because sanity and insanity never walk hand in hand, and I am the living proof of that.

**A/N: I really, really enjoyed writing this and am incredibly proud with the final result. Therefore, I hope you like this one-shot as much as I do. As always, leave a review telling me what you thought of it.**

**- Catairly (:**


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